Married—With Issues

By Mike and Joan

Mike: As the weeks passed, I was forced to think about memories I had tried to bury and forget.

Joan: I just didn't want to go to a place in my heart where the pain lived.

Mike and Joan

Note: Mike began Generational Crossroads first. Joan joined GC the next session. Following are their testimonies of how GC affected them personally.

Mike:

My father was a hard worker, quiet and rather passive. My mother provided most of the direction and all of the discipline for my older sister and myself. Since both parents worked, my sister had the obligation of being responsible for me.

When I was a child, I thought it best to be invisible. You see, when you are invisible no one can see when you are happy or sad, hurting or lonely, or any other emotion. In my family those things were never discussed, so I thought if I were not seen, I would not have to reveal anything of myself.

Consequently, the habit of hiding from myself and others put me in the position to make a lot of mistakes and wrong choices most of my life. I continued in a downward spiral through two failed marriages, until I wasn't even sure who I was anymore.

In 1985, Joan must have seen a spark of someone there because she took a chance on me and became my wife. She had her share of family issues as well, and we began trying to work on them together. We made some progress and most people probably saw us as "normal"~but I still had a place inside where I hid my emotions.

Three years ago I heard Gail Levin, the executive director of Generational Crossroads, speak about the GC curriculum. I thought it sounded like a great study~for my wife. I took the flyer home and hoped Joan would take an interest in it, to no avail.

The following spring I again casually suggested that we ought to go. Since there was not a "that's a great idea" response, I let it slide. That fall, Gail said she really wanted me to be a part of the upcoming session so I agreed. Then Gail said please come Saturday for training~you will be a coach.

Well there I was~committed. The first night of that session, I realized this would not work if I took the old invisible approach so I made the decision to reveal my heart to the men in my group~take it or leave it. I discovered there was a great sense of freedom in being true to my feelings and emotions—and hearing the truth also helped the other men in the group to speak out.

As the weeks passed, I was forced to think about memories of my mother's manipulation through punishment and false praise; memories I had tried to bury and forget. I came to realize that if I dealt with those issues I could forgive and find release from the hurt and bitterness of the past.

My sister and I had been estranged for years for no good reason, and largely self-imposed. Because of the things I learned in GC I took the initiative and called her. I suggested a time to meet and she agreed. I was able to share with her the pains and hurts of our family life~and she with me. Through it all, we were able to reconcile, to forgive, and to begin the healing process. This past spring, Joan and I went through GC together and I found additional healing.

I believe Gail chose me as a coach because she could see that I would be an encourager to other men. I believe that men have more difficulty connecting on an emotional level because we are wired differently from women. That is why it is so important for men to be a part of GC—men need the encouragement that GC provides to face their issues, to work at resolving them in a Christian atmosphere, and to learn to share emotions. This will allow us to live the abundant life God promised us, free from the shackles that bind us to our pasts.

Joan:

I saw a real difference in Mike after he went through Generational Crossroads the first time. After he reconciled with his sister, I thought there must be something to this GC—for others that is, but not for me. I just didn't want to go to a place in my heart where the pain lived. When the next session of GC came up, I went mostly to support Mike as a coach—plus I knew it would please him and then maybe he would stop hinting to me about going.

I came from a violently abusive, alcoholic family background, so I had a lot of experience trying to please people. I grew up feeling rejected and had little confidence and very low self-esteem. I knew there would be some emotions I would have to deal with in GC—but I had no idea it would be in the very first chapter on the first night there.

I liked that about GC. There was no beating around the bush or slow, meaningless dialog like some other self-aware studies with which I had been involved. GC's purpose is to get you to deal with issues from your life that have affected the way you make decisions—and to help you understand why you make the choices you make.

In times past, the question, "Do you see God as Abba Father, or do you see him as a God who condemns and can't be pleased?" was asked of me many times. It wasn't until I read the simple explanation in GC of how to know the difference between God and my earthly father, that I realized whom my God was to me. Because my earthly father was a tyrant and impossible to please, I saw my God as the same kind of father.

I thought I was a good Christian. I read my Bible, went to church, prayed, and attended Bible studies. I was doing everything Christians were supposed to do—except trust God.

Through a prayer called "The Father's Blessing," I received the blessing I had longed for all my life. I was finally able to forgive my earthly father and trust my heavenly father, and let the healing begin. I was able to recognize the anger I had bottled up for years~anger that was robbing me of my joy.

The greatest part of Generational Crossroads was being able to have biblical tools to show me how to identify childhood and family issues that cause me to react the way I do as an adult. I have my joy back, and I am learning more and more everyday how to trust God, people and my own feelings. I can now think of God as a loving God who is easy to please and willing to forgive when I fall short.

If anyone reading this right now has feelings of inadequacy or has little or no confidence, I highly recommend Generational Crossroads as a tool to help you find wholeness.†

"Married~With Issues" Commentary

A Transformational Ministry

Redeeming Our Futures by Biblically Resolving Family-of-Origin Issues